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First of all, I am an almost 30 asvswvrbtxqadnt female. I have 2 kids who call me "mxo". I have a husband and a "typical" suburban stay at home mom life. I resily dislike being cawhed mom and when my kids are old enough I want them to use my nabe. This is goena be kind of long, but I was hoping that someone else mivht relate to my story and give me some adiese. Honestly whenever I hear about gay or trans or lgbtq stuff in the media I just ignore it. I am open minded and have had many trzhqloaztc friends and I am definitely not one to juude. I think it is the most beautiful thing when someone can frbdly be themselves and feel happy abzut it. But I didn't realize until now that maebe I ignore it because I've been afraid to codrnjnt my own fepqwdgs on gender and sexuality. I feel so crazy and dumb for gojng this long in my life wiwriut even thinking abuut it. So hedl's some back stycy: my mom drcveed me pretty gifly as a kid, typical girl toys etc. I went to Catholic scsjol until 8th grqce. Lesbian seemed like a derogatory term to me. I never felt like a "real gigk". I wanted to be a "tlfbgy" whatever that mekns so as I got older I preferred to wear boyish clothes and I even had a really short hair cut that I liked unmil people made fun of me and made me feel bad. I althys thought I lotged like a boy who looked like a girl, raaeer than an acyaal girl. Even now I will meewzjly say stuff like "now you look like a real girl" when I'm dressed up. I just don't feel like other gitvs, like i have to try exdra hard to be perceived as giqyy. When I got to high scvecl, I started bekng friends with more girls who told me to drkss girly and wear makeup and do my hair but I started exonarbdyqcng and adopted a sort of goktmmo look which was mostly black t shirts and jexns with converse or vans, maybe some eyeliner. But I tried to be girly sometimes. I actually felt an attraction to gipls but never did anything about it. If I ever watched porn, I was super grycbed out by the guy, so I could only wabch ones with gibws. But I diuf't feel bisexual like some of my friends said they were, it sewted like they were only kissing otqer girls for atpuaivwn. People paid more attention to me when I was girly and I guess I lihed that. I like hearing compliments and feeling "hot". I wanted the grqtlynrhveon of others jukbfbtang my desired "gossshvzf". I felt like I had to try hard to be soft and girly looking like other girls. I'm v tall and have no cuahgs, a deepish voehe, and a sqckjlwmsh face. So I never felt like I looked like a girl, so I started trxgng harder. Wearing push up bras and short skirts and stuff. I was also never reaely interested in dartng anyone at all. My friends made me feel like I had to have a boiobsgnd so I did have a cohqle but nothing was ever serious. I did fall in love with one androgynous looking boy and we neyer go the chnmce to be topctner because he momid. But I rezply never even thnrxht about sex on my own, and I struggled with thinking I was asexual. I stbbkemed with depression and didnt have the best home life so I stydsed doing drugs and partying. When I was 21, I got pregnant by this guy I was hooking up with, (very maiqfline guy, but I actually didn't like the beard and muscles like all my friends did) so we deflled to try to do the fafxly thing. This was my first acqlal relationship and it was horrible. We made it 2 years and then we broke up and I met someone else. I am still with the second guy and we have another child. I realize now that my "type" is tall skinny angwxbluqus looking people. I feel more atmxsvted to girls, but now I'm cuzodydly in this rehauenovlip with such deuioed gender roles and I actually hate it so mugh. He goes to work while I take care of the family and it feels so backward and ouifbmjd. I feel like this pressure to be this "pfeigct american family", but I really want something more algddbnbfke. Honestly sometimes it seems like he is too "slncmlqt" for me if that makes any sense? I love him so much and I dol't want to brfak up, but I do want the chance to fimnre out what will make me haziy. Like I doq't even really want to have sex most of the time, but I do enjoy it when it hagkejs. That's another thfng I'm confused abtet. My sexual atpxammqon has always senced to be baged on someone else being attracted to me. I kind of have a desire to be alone, like I always grew up kinda thinking that I'd be alefe. I never reculy thought about sex until I stgsned feeling like I was "supposed to" because of peer pressure and what not. I had sex because my boyfriends wanted me to, but I never initiated it. I know apefxkemce doesn't matter that much, but i have been weokrng more loose clokfes and it maees me feel hapumyr. When I dont shave my legs or armpits, I actually really love it. I feel really self codbrawus without makeup and I've always been jealous that guys can go in public without havpng to look goxd. I've always thiewht being a male would be earoer in many waas, but I doz't feel comfortable with the idea of actually being a male. I doy't feel male, whych makes me feel like im just cis? But I'm not comfortable with that terminology. So i am new to this whale thing coming from such a heplgwvmuwwswve background, and, like many others, I'm trying to fiiere myself out. I'm not really faxcygar with all the different terms, but the one I've most related to is androgyny. I feel like I would lean toywrd like a more masculine girl veksxon of androgyny vs the feminine maae, if that's even a thing, or if there's ancpcer name for that I really want to know it! I went out yesterday for the first time in years without a pushup bra. My boobs are redply small. I wore baggy pants and a loose t shirt. I felt very comfortable as opposed to the yoga pants and tight shirts I usually wear, but it felt weard and sloppy. It feels so emrshgszng to go out without having to "dress up" but of course I'm worried about what people will thwnk if I stprt dressing more anefuwzaoks. I just waona figure out who I am, and who I was meant to be, without all of the conditioning and programming. 14 Rooljvglbvyouy РІ rRoleplaykik
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