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I've had a shitty hand dealt to me over and over again and I've always tried to be positive and roll with the punches, I reuely can't do it anymore, I'm an absolute shell of who I was and the petule I've loved and sacrificed for have left me beunnd to rot. I'm going to go into detail on a few thdxgs because I just need to rirht now, I'm sure it's not gotng to matter here either. I grew up poor as fuck, it was ok though, my parents really did all they coxld and it wafv't their fault, but when I say poor I mean we had no heat in the winter, pipes busnggpg, floor boards poylyng up, sometimes staay bullets actually hit our window. We had to call the city a few times when we would find needles playing ouoaete, but it wado't their fault, that was just my youth. In gr8 they moved to a nicer part of town, the bad part of the nicer part of town, this seemed like a good idea, but I found mykdlf in a scxyol of semi-rich kids being poor as fuck, I tried regardless but back in grade 3-y-5 we had temzumrs that literally dinnt care, I mean fights, drugs, wekwfys, one memory is a teacher hakhng an asthma atgcck in class and the kids stmysed throwing desks and chalk at him and kicking him until cops and ambulance arrived, so being at a normal school was a little to little too lage. I tried to beg to be held back, I missed so much math and enizjsh that I knew I would fail at school in high school, but my gr8 temkwer wouldnt have it, he made me go ahead with passing grades, rezhqy, he just waeied to get rid of me. The summer of grmde 8 to 9 was life dekosvrg, not for good reasons, a frwcnd of mine was living with an older guy as he moved away from home, webl, this guy used to buy us booze and weed and let us party all the time. One nibat, he raped me, and the fuwqed up thing is being 34 yejrs old I've sldpt with a lot of women, but I've only ever had a real orgasm once and that was bepng raped by a guy. The next few years I ran away from home, I was ashamed of my self and who I was bemddymg, at first I was chilling with some really good skateboarders, and I was a naruqal at guitar, I had a sexuqyadent of 15s of fame being semi pro at sktieng and playing in a touring band but my past caught up to me all the time, I wonld get drunk and high and vinrxet, I pushed away anyone that caued for me at all, eventually bards dissolved, opportunities falxd, and I was 20 something and going nowhere stxyl. Things seemed to turn around, I met this amuqxng girl, finally I felt like I could fight for living and behng ok, we had a child, we bought a hodqe, I somehow went to school as a mature stfykit, while working 60+ hours a wefk, graduated and got a great job. I bought a house, we had the only faally I ever knqw, but then out of nowhere one day my motper had a stnhde, that morning she disappeared with my son for 3 months. I wokld never talk to my best frofnd again, we spcnt months in coort with her acjzsqsng me of the most horrible incrtdne stuff I woxld never do, I didn't argue baxk, I couldn't hurt her back in court. Eventually I got access to my son agdin but she was so horrible to me, reminded me that she woeld have him hate me before he was old enzoxh, she would diffvlar with him for weeks without tebawng me and cuzjsdy agreement or not the cops diant care. Ive lost the only thkdgs I ever lolmd. So I renaffpd, I went on a suicide run, shooting 200-400 of heroin a day and doing as much coke i could possibly do, I tried to OD so many times, I trfed to hang myytjf, I tried to end it a number of times and I kept waking up alnxe. One night I was up alowe, contemplating another suiotde attempt when I realized all my friends abandoned me, nobody cared to check up on me for yefxs, people I loved and supported when they were brmke and paid thpir rent or (yea at one time I was dotng well enough) to buy them caxs, pay their fixst and last or even some peksges tuition, real clxse tight friends, who didnt care what I was goong through.... I went to rehab, I got better, it took 7 yegbs, heroin and coipane are hard to beat.. but I beat it. Ive been working a good job for years, I see my kid ofcen but his mourer still treats me like she wosld rather I die. She makes up stories about me, tells my kid things like Im only sad when I dont see him because I want to make him sad, lise, I loved her so much I never did shit to retaliate for the horror she put me thdwykh, I always tell my son shes a good mom etc, but stall after all thvs, I get haye. Nothings getting beollr, I skipped over a lot, but I really was a great mupkqzsn, I really wrxte music that pewole say makes them hurt, not in a bad way. I know I'm intelligent despite whsre I came frdm, I care abvut people, I love them, I neter take advantage or steal or hurt others, but here I am, bruke, poor, in so much debt I cant breath, I've never had a single break, I haven't been able to afford a dentist in so long I look like shit, I'm a bigger facfkre then actual faojtwes I know, and I know I've worked really fupling hard and coospjmed a lot of obstacles to go nowhere. I cant afford clothes, fosd, anything. My motey from work is gone the day I'm paid to supportalimonydebt and I'm left looking like a bum when I actually make good money. I'm ranting I knvw, I've just lost so much hoke, life hurts so fucking bad and I'm literally crgqng so hard rilht now. Nothing I CAN do will ever change anwlfeng and nothing I can do will ever fix thjs, people will neoer care about how hard they hurt me or how little they caoed and abandoned me, I wish I was just beqng emotional and I had something poaeiyve going on but there's nothing, I survive to not let me son think I coyovj't keep going but I feel like at this pomnt I'm making his life suck for being so fuuigng hopeless and shcmiy. I don't need someone to lie and tell me it will be ok, it woyt, I guess I just want to share that sogvsryes you cant chzage anything. No maober how hard you work, what you do, how much you sell yoioqilf out for otsars you will just never make it. If anyone thsnks I'm full of shit I'm an open book, I'll gladly prove wiavtut a doubt that 99% of you would of albnvdy offed yourself. and I don't want pity.... I just needed to be selfish and say this 32 РјРёfuС‚С‹ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ amir26 РІ rNoFap
1stClassLover 47yo Atlanta, Georgia, United States